Another new day

Well I'm on Joe's computer, and the Dragon works on here which makes it so much easier for me.

The past few days have been very hard for me. I did get to talk to a case manager at the Alhambra's foundation that gave me her name and gave me a lot of info. It is very hard for me to understand, as I have always understood the lupus fibromyalgia hat disease diabetes but this Alzheimer's is kicking my ass.
       I found that the temporal lobes of your brain control emotion anger and especially fear year in fear of going out fear of being alone fear that people talking about you fear of death. I have always been a strong person and not afraid of anything or anyone.
The case manager) to explained that all of this was normal. She did state that jet when I need a support group for early onset Alzheimer's. The risen difference as early Alzheimer's progresses faster any young person. I have to learn to not be better to not question why in trying to live each day the best that I can. This is hard for me to do as I don't see when my mood changing. I have said and done things that are totally on stuff that I would not do. Now in regards to this it makes me afraid to try to do anything. I'm afraid to post I'm afraid the e-mail I'm afraid to talk to people on the phone I'm afraid to cook as I'm constantly burning myself I don't like going out in case I have an accident or a bust into tears.

So am trying to gett o learn all of the things I need to do. I need Joe to help me get my if he is in order but he I believe is in denial still and thinks he can fix me. All of my families that lost enough talk to a couple of them Make jokes makes me laugh I know I'll never see them again, as I can go anywhere by myself and I can't apply. But they know that I love them.

One of my biggest supporters is my sister Lorrie, now Lorrie and I fought all our lives growing up with 10 years apart and we didn't become friends till I turned 40. She is my best friend my confidant sorry and crying and she would do anything for me as I would for her. She's a wonderful smart cantering person who suffers with horrible pain every day of her life. But she always has time for me. The only thing I've been blessed with is that my pain seems to be under control unless I overdo or get upset and then I have a flareup. Lori goes to pain every day of her life and may have no idea out why she crawls up the stairs at seven o'clock at night to go to bed and she has little boys to take care of 10 and 12. This is affecting her horribly it's causing a lot of stress and as you know stress brings down your immune system and causes flares. So in turn that causes me guilt knowing that I am hurting the one person I totally trust besides Joe.

Now I am still trying I know I'm going to get a migraine. I'm scared I spent Monday on the hotline till I finally got a hold of a case manager. I wanted to end I thought with him about with these is that I had was the worst thing that could happen to me. I can't be a wife to Joe, I can't make love and I don't even want him to hold me because I don't feel like a person anymore. Going through this disease walking room to roam forgetting what you're looking for, beginning with the dishes are, actually forgetting why you went into the bathroom. This is a hideous disease and I hope and for a miracle but I think my miracle will come when Jesus carries me home. Well thank you for sharing this journey with me I appreciate all the support and I love you all.

To my sister Maria in case you happen to be reading my blog I do not know what happened I do not know why you shut me out I gave you everything I can since you were six years old I came to your wedding at which you totally ignored me I have baked pleaded ass demanded that we could have time to talk. It is apparent to me that you have no love in your heart. You have no compassion, understanding, and the only people you can relate to is your wife Lisa and all your animals. You have no idea how much you hurt me knowing how sick I am knowing that I will forget your name in my own name and you can find the time to talk to me. Out of the 22 different diagnosis is I have most of them arehereditary and if you love your family that you have now you should be made aware of some of the diseases that you could be carrying all come up against. I will not contact you again I said my goodbyes when I told you I love you I'm not that have begged anybody who ignores me and ignores the fact that the person that did the best they could to raise them is guided be dead in five years. I haven't called you when I read the stories about abuse and you get hurt that's none of my business that your choice. I have not talked about you at all, nor will I ever. I love you Maria I want anything from you. And I know I don't have to worry about you shedding a tear when I'm gone.