My brother Michael

This was the only way I could figure out how to share this,thank you all for your support

Michael F. Kneeland, of Plymouth, formerly of Quincy, passed away after a long illness June 21, at the age of 55. He is survived by his children, Michael Kneeland Jr., and Jaime Steinberg, John Steinberg and Jillian Steinberg. He was the loving brother of Donna Morin and her husband Joe of Florida, Donald and his wife Cynthia of Plymouth, George of Plymouth, Lorrie Slattery and her husband Richard of NH, Maria Dean and her wife Lisa of Brockton and the late Catherine McKenna. He also leaves his friend, Janet Barry of Quincy; his Goddaughter, Amanda Kneeland of Plymouth; four grandchildren; and many nieces and nephews. Michael had a passion for history and served in the U.S. Marine Corps during Vietnam and was a member of the American Legion in Quincy. Visiting hours will be held at the Richard Davis Funeral Home, 373 Court St. (Rte. 3A), N. Plymouth, Wednesday, June 26, from 7 to 9 p.m. A graveside service will be held Thursday, June 27, at 10 a.m. at the Massachusetts National Cemetery in Bourne. In lieu of flowers, donations in his memory may be made to the New England Center for Homeless Veterans, 17 Court St., Boston, MA 02108, or at www.nechv.org. Online condolences may be made at richarddavisfuneralhome.com. Published in The Patriot Ledger on June 25, 2013 Print | View Guest Book Related Memorial Sites Marines Helpful Links Additional Resources Donate to Charity How To Submit An Obituary Find Advice & Support Funeral Etiquette What to Say to the Bereaved Return to today's Obituaries for The Patriot Ledger test Hide Share Remember with My Memorials Twitter Email Remember with My Memorials™ Enable social reading to share important obituaries with your friends. What is My Memorials? Visit My Memorials on Facebook Follow this Obituary Remember on Facebook Follow via email *Please enter a valid email address. Bookmark this memorial on Facebook with the My Memorials™ application. My Memorials™ helps you honor departed family members, friends, and even favorite celebrities – all on your Facebook page. Thank you. You have now memorialized on Facebook. The My Memorials Facebook app allows you to: Connect with memorials that are important to you. Get updates on your memorials in your Facebook News Feed. Share your memories with your Facebook friends. VIEW YOUR MY MEMORIALS PAGE OR Return to Obituary No, ThanksGO CLOSE Close

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Angry, sad, and round and round a go

You now for the first under my life I suffered unbearable unspeakable abuse. At 17 I have a son Scott G love and call my own. Well the first five years I struggled I worked did the best I could to take care my son but I had my mother that told me all the wrong things.

Now in my 20s I did everything you can imagine and more, I lived on the streets I did drive this I had affairs and then married someone 27 years old on the me I had become a perfect trophy wife.

Then come to find out I inherited a lot of my mother's illness. I was diagnosed with systemic lupus rheumatoid arthritis atherosclerosis congestive heart failure coronary at every disease curriculum vascular disease. I then met they made her my dreams and to after only two months of marriage spends it in ICU with me with pericarditis. From then on they have been countless surgeries hospital procedures kinds of doctors all saying oh you poor girl. You know I got through it, I got through it with my faith in Jesus, my love for my husband and from one sibling my sister Lorrie.

The next bomb was to come three years ago when my memory steady going and they did a memory test in the office and said I want more testing I think you have Alzheimer's it took my breath away, how much more could one person take. I had worked with thousands patients with Alzheimer's and I knew what to face. But they couldn't be so cruel this was in that happened to me. I was immediately scheduled for a pet scan. Being me I was unable to wait until the doctor called me I went to pick up the report myself first page Snowmass no fluid on the brain etc. etc. and trying to the second page ends our surveyor hypo-metabolic atrophy of the bilateral temporal lobes consistent with early-stage Alzheimer's. At first I panicked, I couldn't breathe I screamed as they pounded the dashboard and then out of the blue I said to Joe, now you can take me to the vet and have a chip put in.

The next day my doctor called and said he had his see me right away, I went to his office and told him I already knew. I spent the next several months angry but I did have my church family in my faith and a good friend Diane told me to go home and read the book of Job which I did and still do to this day.

Now what I'm facing since the new scan showed dementia people a more demented than me. All I say and do is twisted and turned left upside down to what they think I should be saying. I'm not allowed an opinion, I'm not allowed to have a thought as everything I say and do is wrong. The people that I love the most Hurt me the most unknowingly I find myself becoming more reclusive spending more time in my PJs not answering the phone not going to church for fear of saying something wrong are having a seizure. I'll did I mention I'm top of this I am a very bad diabetic my right leg is turning black my toes are curling and I can't take much more. If it was not from my faith in Jesus this would've been over years ago.

I'm blessed with Joe who continues to love me too is made that commitment to get the materials that he needs to help me live the rest of my life. I have my son Scott said he wouldn't trade me as a parent followed parents in the world that broke my heart as I spent so much time away from him. So I'm taken the horse by the rains and am living my life I said my life the way I want to and I don't give a damn what people have to think anymore it's my life my journey my walk and ultimately my death. Thank you all for following this I hope someday it's collected and used to help people.

Been a while shoot me please

 Well hello everyone, it has been a while since I said I would follow this through. This blog is very difficult for me to do as it reveals my deepest thoughts and fears moods ECT.
A lot has happened since I last posted the second scan that I got showed dementia was sitting in. A fine now that I cannot remember what I had for dinner the night before. I keep forgetting conversations that I've had with my husband.

He was really upset last week when he couldn't find me at 2 AM and he found me sleeping outside in the carport. I'm afraid of the dark so that was difficult for me. I need help getting dressed. I find myself staring out into nothing in constantly hearing what you thinking, I'm not thinking anything I'm just blank.

I was talking to my doctor about the seizures I've been happening she told me that between the strokes the CIA's concussions blood supply all of that contributes to my seizures. I find that the simplest task of making dinner which I love to do I get frustrated I can find things I can't remember recipes and I get angry then comes the seizures. I have them when I'm sleeping and it scares Joe to death. I really want my son can be in my granddaughters here but is that being selfish do I need them around to watch me fall into nothingness? It hurts so bad to try to figure out what is right and what is wrong when I don't even know.

It's a love my family on Facebook and my church family let me know somebody's always there. Hottest thing I'm facing now is to know I can't travel and I can't see my brothers. One brother is very ill and apparently my other brothers are too busy with your own lives to come see me before I die. Oh did I begin to tell you, forget to tell you let me remind you I have 33 different diagnoses. The primary one being systemic lupus atherosclerosis in large part poor balance due to her stroke three primary client and disorders with the mu gene, I also have obstructive sleep apnea and yes worst of all diabetes insulin-dependent. I mention this because the other night Joe always gives me my long acting insulin I forgot he gave it to me" so I gave it to myself again I dropped my sugar to 40. New and final paragraph

My best friend through all of this has been my sister Lori she also was very L but she is my greatest supporter as I go through this. She knows a lot about Alzheimer's on a lot of things she says hurts my feelings and knows she doesn't mean it didn't always seems like she's judging me while correcting me and I feel I cant be honest with her so I just say yes and drop it. It hurts that she so far away and I miss my nephews but I'm never going to be me again and I am so angry that I can't see straight. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and I hope those of you that follow will understand how we feel at this stage in the disease.

I do want you all to reach out to Joe, he is on Facebook under Joe Morin, he has no clue as to what he's in for. I've been through this with patients have had any jazzing no or realize that I'm leaving him in my mind. We just renewed violence in God's house and I will always be his wife but I'm glad to become childlike keys than half the base of me be me dress me restrain me fight me off as a throw things that are Jake God please help them understand and get help. I love you Joseph Michael Morin. Well I guess that's enough for today I'm in tears now I have got to leave but I will keep posting again as long as my brain functions. To those of you who have family with Alzheimer's learn about it, study it and always remember the person before you is not a child is the person you love night

My Journey through Alhezimers: just my rant !!!!

My Journey through Alhezimers: just my rant !!!!: Well today this is me, I cancelled my treatment last night and this am as i was riding the porcelion bus.. these meds are making me so sic...

just my rant !!!!

Well today this is me, I cancelled my treatment last night and this am as i was riding the porcelion bus.. these meds are making me so sick.I know I need them bit I am so sick of being sick and I know alot of us feel that way.
     I just got off the phone with my sister lorrie aka lorrie slattery, you should add her to your facebook, she has fibro and alot of other problems with chronic pain ,but she always has time for me, she is my sister and best friend so please add her, our fb family would help her greatly and also if im in the hospital, she has all the info she is my power of attorney.I love her so much, she just hears my voice and knows when something is wrong. today I think I am feeling sorry for myself,I hate being so isolated from ym sister, my son and grandchildren and my daughter in law. my modd makes me sound angry all the time and my words come out wrong and I sond like a bitch. You all know me I am really kind and gentle, and love you all so much.But right now im all swollen, I can hardly walk, the pain is awful, i cannot shower this is my second month , sponge baths only. Joe took me for a pedicure, manicure and to get my hair cut which I appreciate so much but it does not change me on the inside. I do not know if I can keep up this fight. My words hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt and that is my daughter in law Candy, I thought we were so close and I was trying to be the right kinda mother in law but I failed, i give advice when it is not wanted, i send my love which is not believed. She was comng down to help me for a few moths but I could tell after our last conversation, thats the last thing she wanted to do. lord why do i do that, i only give advice to help her and my grandchildren, i do not get involved in their marriage, thats between them, so now i lost a daughter and it hurts bad, like my heart was ripped out. i get to talk to my granddaughters which is good but i may never see them again before i die and that scares me. I know i will see my son, the love of my lfe, the one who will always stand by me and if he could he would be here in a flash to help Joe.My heart is broken over something stupid ................ I love you Candy and would never compare you to anyone else. You are kind, loving and so loving you get hurt by people and I try to prevent that.
                As for my alzheimers, m on namenda, i do need nt to get upset because that affects your memory also. Everytime i get upset i forget things more and thats not good. The dementia will come alot faster if i do not watch it.
              Well I love my family so far away and I love you al from all over the world i get support , prayers and love........................... you mean the world to me.so please add lorrie slattery to the groups and friends. I love you all just needed to vent , time to go back to bed .............

Update

 A good morning everyone.
       I'm just going to wing it here. First off I did one let you know that the last neurologist who has a mental health background, had decided that since I was depressed that I did not have Alzheimer's. When I told my primary what she had said she hit the roof. The report clearly stated that I had severe hypo-metabolic atrophy of the bilateral temporal lobes consistent with early Alzheimer's. My primary is demanding all the consults and has started me back on the Alzheimer's meds. Although Alzheimer's will not kill me the dementia will soo start setting in.Now I remember when I called my sister Lori that I was so excited that it didn't have Alzheimer's and I was just depressed she was doubtful, she had seen my behavior and she knew something was wrong. Most of you know me, a lot of me know me well and have listened to my rants. For those that don't know me I have lupus, fibromyalgia, primary clotting disorders orders plural, diabetes vascular disease . I'm really angry that it took me 20 years to get diagnosed with lupus it was all in my head, then it took five years to get diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Then it took a coma and life support for six days to determine I was diabetic. I have made it a point in the past 10 years never to tell any Dr. that have had any type of depression or PTSD as you are then dismissed there is close they sign you of you put out with the trash. The fact remains I'm not anodyne five years I like a lot of us will die when it's time for Jesus to take us home to heal us.

          Anothe thing is I am getting so sick of being judged by the pain medication I take. With the new narcotics laws in place in most states do they really think that my primary would risk his license given me medication I don't need. Another thing you judged on. Why do you take those meds, that's too much medicine, fact is it's nobody's business.

The way I'm feeling right now is we need more awareness we need to screa at the top of our lungs to fight for our rights to be heard and to be seen. Okay now I'm ranting this one more thing that concerns me a lot of people do not have health care, family, and friends to help them I think it would be great to appoint someone from one of our groups to start a fund to help people that are in great need and suffering like of. I know a lot of us are on disability in the water of the poor but between all of us that thousands of us one dollar can make a difference I think that's something we should explore in the future actually I think that we could vote on a administrator to start this project okay one more paragraph and this isnot going to be a pleasant one

For those of you that look through us, that do no see our pain, that have abandoned u when we have to keep turning down engagements or can't get dressed to go out and if I hear one more time you don't look sick I swear I am going to lose it. To those doctors friends family and those who don't believe that w are sick, I will ask Jesus for forgiveness for this but to those of you who have hurt us........ you can just kiss my ASP. I love you all never forget it.

This is my final blog

Hello everyone,
          I know all of you have been worried about me. I got a call from Rena and she told me how were you all were. Well I had my last appointment with my neurologist and I'm still on the Namenda but this is the good news apparently the damage that's been done to my brain will take 30 years to affect me in the way Alzheimer's does. They tell me that my primary doctor not being educated in Alzheimer's had no business telling me that I had five years to live a five-year to my brain was completely gone and to get my affairs in daughter etc. etc. etc. He thought he was doing the right thing he was doing the wrong thing. For so many months I've gotten more more anxious more more down in afraid to leave the house. I've stopped going to church talking to friends going on my computer as you know.

Apparently my memory loss in my anxiety and forgetfulness has all gotten worse due to a deep depression and anxiety over the illnesses I already do have. Something traded it and they believe it was either me being in a coma for a week two years ago or my sister suicide. They tell me when you're under stress your anxiety goes up and when you're chronically ill like we all are then you get depressed now I had already agreed to Prozac were John was on the mound and it helped but this still a long way to go I'm still depressed I'm very anxious she wants me to do cognitive reasoning exercises and keep my memory shop. There is a big relief knowing that I am not going to die in five years. That's huge for me I'm so excited to know that I should not feel the effects of the Alzheimer's for many years to come. Needless to say Joe was very excited and we believe this Dr.

My sister Lori does not believe this Dr. although she wishes it was true that it's depression and anxiety she's been around me and she feels that it's the Alzheimer's. Bottom line is my dear sisters that I'm not going to worry about it I'm going to deal with my life day by day I went to get back on the computer and talk to you all my favorite people. This week Joe's on vacation and we have babysit not grant son Dominic which has forced me to leave the house and I'm actually doing okay with that.

So I'm looking forward to moving on with my life and I want to thank you all for all your prayers concern love and I'm really relieved to know that I will be a member of the Lupus family for the rest of my life as I still will have a functioning brain. Joan I appreciate you all so much and things will get really bad here with my mood swings but I promise that we will both be on an answer any questions that you have. We love you all and can't wait to talk to you.
          God bless you all,
                     Donnalynn

I am so lost

I am so lost at this minute. I slept till moon tonight which is very unusual for me I missed church I don't know if it's because my sisters on or they started the new Alzheimer's medicine and make me tired.

I nondepressed I mean who wants to live like this I just want to go to the store were Joe and I looked at the bags under my eyes when I was getting dressed put makeup on and I got so upset Joe went to the store by himself. I know he likes to go by himself because of my panic attacks and I slowing down, but I do not believe that he should take on all the weight around here. I get so afraid to go outside I'm afraid to state church around people your new place I feel comfortable is with you all talk and him my Facebook. I don't know if it's as you can see me are I have a different perception of what I look like I used to consider myself strong beautiful cocky yes I was a bitch I always got what I wanted no matter the cost. But now I'm afraid of everything and I don't know why. It's

Now I know Joe's got support groups coming up this week's I have to go the doctors also Tuesday to find out why I have to wear depends YM had diarrhea for six months. I've tried diet I've tried everything obviously nothing works. But one thing that bothers me the most is that I don't feel sexy I don't feel like you want to be intimate Joe needs that would've always had a very active sex life and now we have none of tried and I just can't do it. Hours afraid an accident on the happen or because my breathe and I get a migraine and in her an intern that hurts Joe and he stopped and holds me well I cry.

I'm trying to live day by day, I'm trying not to think of my prognosis which is four years now. I'm not afraid died cause I know that I will be healed and I will be with Jesus but I

My Journey through Alhezimers: A horrible day!!! I can't live like this

My Journey through Alhezimers: A horrible day!!! I can't live like this: WellI I already tried to write this in the disappeared. My sister left yesterday I Mr. horribly she's my health care proxy my best friend my...

A horrible day!!! I can't live like this

WellI I already tried to write this in the disappeared. My sister left yesterday I Mr. horribly she's my health care proxy my best friend my confidant and my only sister.

I slept till noon today which is unusual for me and I don't know if it is the new Alzheimer's meds that I started two days ago glass med they can start me on. I know that I'm suffering from depression and I know the longer you dig the hole in and climbed down into it harder it is to climb back out. I did look from start me on Prozac but that takes two weeks I guess to make you feel better. I wonder why I'm on this earth at all I don't want to be better nonleague Joe I would love just not take my meds all 23 pills and just let nature take its course but I can't do that to such a loving caring person and it's selfish.

Not Joe just went to Walmart on his list she's got ensure our dependence Desitin PN
is all things that I need at age 56. I can't be intimate I don't detached I don't to be hugged I want to be left alone alone in my misery and Joe don't deserve that. As most of you know he is the kindest most gentlest husband and I am truly blessed to have him but we're becoming caretaker and patient a lot faster than I thought it would happen he's trying do everything for me and it's just not happening I don't want that I want to be his wife I want to feel will hold me in touch me it's too hard to even attempt he says he understands but I don't see how we can to go from wife they could do anything that could make love three of four times a day we are always on the honeymoon to maybe attempting it once a month's I've tried everything but dammit I don't want to be a patient I don't want to be like this I don't want to live like this dear God please help me, I'll take a quarter the back of what I used to be. Otherwise I just live like this I will not be a burden to Joe,

My Journey through Alhezimers: Another Wednesday morning

My Journey through Alhezimers: Another Wednesday morning: Handing one, hope you're all doing well today and have a lot less pain. I'm doing pretty good having my sister here was keeping my temper ta...

Another Wednesday morning

Handing one, hope you're all doing well today and have a lot less pain. I'm doing pretty good having my sister here was keeping my temper tantrums down besides even though she's smaller than me she can be beat me up lolit seems like this week is going by so fast and she's leaving Saturday at six o'clock in the morning so that synodical day that is just wasted. She's a little tired today because everybody woke up about some personal got that wasn't supposed to be up was in me I'm always up to. I get up at two o'clock Monday have coffee with Joe so we can have some privacy without our roommate all can use your own same wants to each other but at least were alone together and then I take my Nikon pills arm at 3 AM and go back to sleep for a few hours which unthinkingly doing right now because I have to Rake lawn.

Joe finally found in all forms group needs going to be going twice a week and only minutes to go back to celebrate recovery last night on which really helped but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say not supposed to say your share button on sure that also grayback and if I give it, the and given at times the hard thing for me I want everything right away and it's frustrating.

Did any of you get the letters that I wrote I know some may be difficult to read but the doctors want me to write them on so I'm trying to send out you know when it to a day I haven't had penpals since nonmember. I just think it's more personal the letter in the mail besides bills I'm sure most of you would agree with me I'm hoping for a better day today I went through five different opinions yesterday my sister for you know it could be the extra fibe oatmeal which more likely it is to say that twice a day and my day consists of all mail and I'm sure the The soup in the Dr. said that's all right now is long as I have my  ensure So apparently all of problems I've been having some months now that I thought were med related all don't appear to be because they did not start doing Alzheimer's meds yet till March 1 and only of the men that they started was Prozac 20 mg QD and I've been on that before and had no problems

I'm really hoping now that I am putting this on Facebook and on blogs all that people can see my journey and maybe find a comparison maybe get some ideas on how low I really don't have any good ideas right now but maybe they communally and see that they're not the only ones

Not just wanted drop by and say hi sales see you later on during day and time t to run. Please feel free to leave your remarks I look forward to seeing them on be logged page it's easy to find so any suggestions helpful hands anything that you want to post please feel free have a great day.

My Journey through Alhezimers: A difficult day

My Journey through Alhezimers: A difficult day: Today is one of those days, that nothing's going right. I've gone through three different depends into pads into showers. I need to make an ...

A difficult day

Today is one of those days, that nothing's going right. I've gone through three different depends into pads into showers. I need to make an appointment with Castro because I can't figure out what meds causing it. I've put it off long enough I can't eat anything everything goes right through me with Dan 3 min. I know I need help with that in I have to find out what's causing it. I feel self-consciously the my house is a don't know what's going to happen. I think I'm on the go way now spend the day my room and stay close to the bathroom.

I know people that love me really try to help and when I disagree it's not because I'm being difficult and not listening Gorby and the bitch it's because I don't agree I appreciate all the advice I get but I know my body I know what makes me comfortable and I have to go by what I feel like like I said I appreciate all the help my sisters – she's taken a nap so I think I'm on the go do the same it's best that I don't talk anymore today and tried to just relax so I go to my meeting tonight I'm actually going to go back to celebrate recovery and see if that helps it always has. It is always brought me closer to Jesus and that's what I need right now love you all I'm always brain you have a pain-free day I can see the this some typos but it's my accent and I don't feel like going back and fix and him but you guys he used it deciphering my writing talk you soon soft hugsssssssssss   Donnalynn

My Journey through Alhezimers: I would appreciate

My Journey through Alhezimers: I would appreciate: Hi everyone, I would appreciate if you would take a moment to comment on my blogs on this page. Your input is very important to me and I tru...

I would appreciate

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate if you would take a moment to comment on my blogs on this page. Your input is very important to me and I trust all of you so please take a minute and comment on the comments I love you all thanks

My Journey through Alhezimers: A wonderful week, I pray

My Journey through Alhezimers: A wonderful week, I pray: Well my dear friends, this is a week I've been looking forward to for the past year. My baby sister Lori Sarah. She is 10 years younger than...

A wonderful week, I pray

Well my dear friends, this is a week I've been looking forward to for the past year. My baby sister Lori Sarah. She is 10 years younger than me but she's my idol I looked to her for advice comfort sharing and she's the only member my family that I trust.

Now be in 10 years younger than me she has suffered in pain for a good eight years she's always been a hard worker and she started having problems with one of her arms and her nec.k We went to more emergency rooms, doctors, and nobody could tell what this awful pain was. Finally we got the Dr. that diagnosed her with thoracic owlet syndrome. Apparently she was born with extra ribs and they had twisted the muscle and tendons around the nerves in were causing severe nerve pain up and down her arm. She needed major surgery she needed ribs removed and they had a untangle all the nerves. But being a wife and mother she did not do as the doctor told her three days later she was doing laundry in vacuum and. She was told this day in bed for eight weeks. Now she suffers from full-bodied pain, I think it's Phibro but then she showed me a rash on some pictures she took when she was in Florida and it looks like lupus now we all know the doctors doing in a and a team give you a false reading. She gets inflammation bad nerve pain migraines and there's no end to it for her. I'm going to talk to her about connected to pain and see if somebody can come up with some answers for her.

Now me being the oldest and Lorrie B and 10 years younger we never got along. It was just before I turned 40 that we really became friends and now it like twins. I love my sister Lori with all my heart. We have assisted The that died two years ago but we were close until God brought us together a month before she died. We have a baby sister that nobody talks to but that's over and done with I won a deal with the people at support me and my sister Lori supports mean 100% although she does a lot to get away with any shit. She says it like it is. So basically with on a hang around enough pajamas relax talk in ketchup and I think they secretly flew Lori and the calm me down.

Well it's working, I'm than they have Joe printout my living well whil Lori is her so we can get that out of the way the doctors want copies of it . Joe will be my primary, Lori will be my secondary and I'm when the keep my son Scott uninvolved and not put him in the picture to heard him.

Lorrie is so beautiful I've always been jealous of her she's always been then she looks like, our mom she's the only one that does. She is smart, beautiful, and fat-free, LOL so I'm hoping this week I'll have the chance to unwind enjo my siste even though she brought all this rainrso I know this is not my usual blog but it's an upbeat one and I pray most of you have a family member that you can confide in and will understand you cannot judge you and that's my sister Lori.

I love you all, I want to thank you for following my posts and I pray that you all have a good day.

My Journey through Alhezimers: Starting to lose, I need comments to help me

My Journey through Alhezimers: Starting to lose, I need comments to help me: Good morning everyone this is a hard blog post today. I don't know if is me or Joe or other people around me but people was done to get alie...

Starting to lose, I need comments to help me

Good morning everyone this is a hard blog post today. I don't know if is me or Joe or other people around me but people was done to get alienated. I know that the Prozac is working it won't work. For two weeks but I can feel the difference when I take it in the morning. This is something I fought with the Dr. about but I really needed it.

This week is been a really had week I woke in cheery and in a good mood and then the next thing you know I'm fighting with everybody pushing people away or be in oversensitive. Like I said I don't know if it's me or if it's Joe bought its getting really hard. I don't want ID with anybody I want to be close especially now. I have talked Joe till I'm blue in the face I know we satiety when he comes home getting up at two in the morning I've asked him to take a nap and then after dinner spend one hour with me but he had also given up playing poker online talking to his friends online playing cribbage etc. just to be with me and I asked him to please go back and start doing the things he enjoyed that am not going anyway yet so he jumped right back into it and trying to get him for an hour is difficult and my favorite time with him is him sit in on the couch and me laying on his lap with is I'm around me is when I feel the most love it when I feel the safest.

The other night we had agreed to watch a show together and he changed his mind and said he was much too tired he was just going this late which I understood so I went to work on my jigsaw puzzle to make my brain work better and he went to bat will two hours later I went to going to bed and he's in bed wide-awake watching the movie laughing needless to say, I took that very personally I started screaming shaking and he immediately tried to calm me down and I told him not to come near me because he was going to get hurt. He said he didn't do it on purpose I took it that he didn't want to be around me. Now I know Joe loves me and I know that that was not his intention but it hurt and it hurt that I took off out of the house I told him I was leaving I threatening had him at: Justice day very far away for me eventually I calm down I started clawing at my arms I don't know why is something I've never done. He eventually got me to calm down and promise not to do it again. The next night we watch TV together for an hour and I was in heaven. The very next night he did the same thing over again so I'm trying not to take this personally because he needs his own space and it's going to get worse for him, so would why do do I give up my one hour of pure joy and let him have his own way or do I insist on that one hour.

You have to know Joe E is well a lot you do he is the kindest gentlest most loving man I've ever known in my life. He's my teddy bear this for my column I love looking man him I love watching him sleep I always in 10 years have run out to the track when he comes home from work to greet him. Even now I don't feel like eating we've been having dinner together every night and I been saying my grace every night and he actually looks forward to that. I don't want to lose him in meadow on a push him away but I have no control I don't know which way to turn because I don't know if I'm pushing him away or he's pushing me away he always tells me he loves me just as much is he ever did even more but I look at it to that been a caregiver and said there's no way that you can love me so it's confusing and it's causing a lot of tension.

My sister Lori's, now she'll be here Monday and she's my best friend, she's brutally honest and will definitely tell me if it's me or Joe but she will say it's me she always takes Joe side and she's usually right. Me and her can talk about anything and having her around is just wonderful to me I'm really looking forward to it in I'm sure Joe is to and I know our roommate Craig is really looking forward to it but it will be good for all of us. I really would like your input on this matter of so if you could leave a comment and tell me what you think or how I should be I don't know what how to be anymore I don't how to be me am afraid of everything I cry at the drop of a pen my anger is vicious and I'm hoping that once the medicine to my system and that I step yellow times medicine that things will change but a lot of you know me so please take the time to leave a comment I would appreciate it and let me know what you think is a lot of you have spoken to Joe and me and I value your opinions.

I think of you all every day I pray for you all every day to give praise to Jesus that I have a new day every day I'm working on a few things my blog Joe got me a jigsaw puzzle is to keep my brain occupied and I'm working on right and the lattice to you all I've sent them out already well I guess I'll close here and look forward to reading your comments. Please have a blessed day and know that you will love.