Well it's five o'clock Monday morning, I'm sitting here with so many thoughts going through my head.
I'm so confused, sometimes I feel almost normal, normal as I can be with the lupus in the Phibro and all else that goes along with it. I know you all know how I feel.
I keep reading my Bible, and I tried to get closer to Jesus it seems the more I worked to get closer to him the more Satan's minions attack me.
I have all kinds of thoughts going through my head from what I have had incontinence for the past seven months and they said it was the Exelon patch is. They stopped thoseand I see the neurologist on the seventh. They may try a new medicine.
Let's face it were all going to die someday only Jesus knows when. Some days I feel like home covers over my head and just wishing that never wake up. But then again I have my husband Joe my son Scott and his lovely wife and my grandchildren. My eldest grandchildren names Chris, Alex, and Cameron I have not seen in nine years. I guess I must've been a really awful person. Well actually I don't think I've been an awful person I've never actually heard anybody but myself and maybe disappointed my family.
I'm never going to apologize again for any hurt of cause my family, the damage was done to me as well as them but it was not my fault. There was a time that I believe that Jesus was punishing me for not protecting my family I do not believe that anymore. Look at Job in the Bible I read that and read that and I'm amazed it is faith. None of us knows why would happens to us happens nobody knows why some of us are so healthy and others versus so sick. I spend hours crying trying to figure out; why me? I don't have the answers, I don't have the answers for anybody else's life. I do give praise to Jesus that my pain is under control and the doctor promise that even when my brain is shriveled but that he will make sure that I am not in pain.
To my sister Lori my nephew Lyrik in my niece Kassie I don't mean to where you guys but I have all a need here except you all. dam this is so hard to write because when I think if you you all it brings me to tears and then I cried for hours I miss you all Hunter in Nathan also. So like I said I don't know why.
There is one thing I do know I was never afraid, never had any fear, I've got into fights with men, I've had guns pulled on me twice, been stabbed twice. I was homeless to escape my home and slip on Boston Common on a park bench when I was on the fifth teen years old again no fear.
It seems the temporal lobes controlfear and the fear in me is growing, I'm afraid of everything from losing my mind cannot see in the little ones of my family grow up and having to leave my son. These of the hardest things that I could think of. I'm not afraid of death, it can happen to any of us at any time. I really wish I had the answers him but I don't I don't know what tomorrow's going to bring, but I do know that I will try to smile and tried to live each day to the fullest.
I wish the same to you all, all my family, my church family, and all mydear sisters on face book, you guys have been here for me without even asking and for that I will be eternally grateful and when I'm gone it will look down on each and every one the you and watch over you and pray for you healing. I love you all, only one more blog to do in hopefully you get a kick out of this one I'm doing my bucket list. Please have a wonderful day and remember Jesus loves you and so did Jo when I
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